Like Mother Like Daughter

I've never had a good relationship with my mother. There's just no other way to say it. We just never got along. We never saw eye to eye. There has been lots of issues. For the sake of respecting my mother regardless of my feelings towards her, I'm not going to get into specifics. Suffice it to say that we weren't the best of friends. I found out from my father when I was about 16 years old that my mother basically had the same kind of relationship with her mother. Except it was worse for her. Again, I'm not giving details. So, I guess you could say that my mom did the best that she knew how. And it wasn't until recently that I truly began to understand that.

For obvious reasons, I really never had the best self image growing up. And even as an adult, even though it often appears that I'm quite confident, there is from time to time this inner struggle within me where I still battle that. I guess I've never felt that I "measured up." To what, I'm not sure, but it's always there, lingering in the recesses of my mind. For the past week, there has been this turmoil inside of my mind. I'm not quite sure why, but I started thinking about all of the jobs that I've had over the years since I started my first job as a paper carrier at the age of 12. When I was 16, I was a waitress, then I worked in several hair salons as an assistant until I earned my Cosmetologist license and briefly did hair at one salon which I despised, worked at Citibank for 2 years until going on to further my education and become an Esthetician, where I worked on and off (more off than on because those were the years that I got married and was having children)at the same Spa for 11 years. Which brings me to the present where I'm a stay at home mom/part time child care provider to a friend's 2 little twin girls. I started thinking about the circumstances surrounding my departure from each job and I got to thinking about what my previous employers would say about what kind of employee I was. I'm embarrassed to say that some of them would probably not have good things to say about me with the exception of my last employer. Granted, I was very young at all of the others, and I'm sure I didn't have a good work ethic. Let's face it, I was just there to earn enough money to pay my bills and be able to have some fun. But I have to tell you that this realization was a real blow to my confidence level. Add that to the fact that most days now I feel that I have in some way or another let my husband or my children down, and I've got a real problem on my hands.

Back to my mother...I kind of snapped this morning. It was 3;00 a.m., I'm going on less than 4 hours of sleep for the past 3 nights, and I'm up yet again, this time with my 2 year old son. I was tired. Exhausted. Whipped. My husband had moved to the couch and left me in our bed with Hezekiah, with the best intentions I might add. He thought he was letting me be comfortable while he took the less than comfy couch. Sounds great, right? Wrong! Hezekiah just would not go back to sleep. He tossed, turned, flipped, flopped, kicked, elbowed, kneed, and just would not be still. After about an hour of putting up with his gymnastics, I yelled at him...3 times in about 15 minutes. Nothing bad. Just "STOP IT, ZEKE! GO TO SLEEP!.....GOOOOOO TOOOOOO SLEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!! I didn't spank him out of anger. I didn't harm him physically. I just yelled at him. So my husband came upstairs and we exchanged a few words about how I was handling the situation. Neither of us were nice to the other. That did it for me. Sleep was not to be had for the rest of the night. I was mad. Real mad. So do you know what I did? I came downstairs, flipped all of the lights on and started cleaning...scrubbing, wiping, dusting, doing dishes, whatever I could find that needed cleaned.

Somewhere in the middle of my madness, I had a flashback of my mother. She was cleaning. She always cleaned. Really the only memories I have of her are when she was cleaning. Our house could never be clean enough for her. She was always cleaning. And I always said I would never be like that. We were afraid to make a mess growing up. I never wanted my children to feel that way. Guess what? I'm like her now. I clean all of the time. And it's never enough. I could clean for several hours, all day long really and my home would still not feel clean enough for me. Having 3 little boys could have something to do with that (wink) but it's just never clean enough for me.
Then I realized something. My mother's self image was never good as a result of how she grew up, and I am in some way the same way. I'm taking liberties assuming how my mother feels, but I'm pretty sure I'm accurate. I think that she probably never felt like she did anything good enough until she found that she was good at cleaning. I feel the same way. So when I feel like I've failed as a wife, I clean. When I feel that I'm doing a bad job as a mother, I clean. When I feel like I've let my relationship with Jesus slack, I clean. I just clean. It's what I know how to do. It's what I'm good at. It's comfort. It's solace. It's a stress reliever. It's the only thing I feel I'm good at sometimes.
It's taken me 32 years to finally understand a little bit about my mother and why she was the way she was and still is, but I get it now, at least this part of her. What do I do with that understanding? I'm not sure. How do I use it to help me be a better wife and mother? I don't know. Will my boys feel the same way towards me as I feel towards my mother? I sure hope not. All I know is I'm trying every day to be the best that I can be. Some days I fail miserably. Others I do alright. Occasionally I'm an exceptional, outstanding, and amazing wife and mother. The only thing I can do is to pray and ask God to help me have more of those "occasional" days.
Thanks for listening!

Pill Poppin' Princess

Yep. That's me. I've been poppin pills lately. A lot of them. I mean A LOT! My body is turning on me and I just had to try to do something about it. My hair is falling out, I'm EXTREMELY tired all of the time, my skin is breaking out, my nails are brittle, I bruise very easily now, I'm getting dizzy and feeling faint while working out, I have low energy, don't sleep well at night, poor memory, decreased attention span, headaches,..... So now I'm on a strict regimen of vitamins and supplements every day, several times each day. Wanna know what I'm taking? Here goes.....

*Women's One A Day with Calcium, Iron and Zinc...2 times per day
*Omega 3 Fish Oil supplement 1000 mg...3 times per day
*L-Lysine 500 mg...2 times per day
*Biotin 1000 mcg...3-5 times per day
*Vitamin C 5oo mg...1 per day
*B Complex...2 per day
*Garlic and Parsley...2 per day
*Iron...2 per day
*Fluvoxamine 100 mg...1 per day
*Super Hero Gummies multivitamin...1 per day.....Oops, sorry, that's my boys...I got carried away pulling bottles out of the basket!


In case you lost count, that's a minimum of 18 pills per day! Good googa mooga...I could barely remember to take 1 multivitamin each day before! I know it's crazy, right? It seems that the old saying "An apple a day keeps the doctor away" has changed slightly since I was a kid. Seriously, these are all the supplements that my dr. told me I should start taking since speaking with him about all these things I'm experiencing lately in my body. Well it's worth a shot. But really, Vitamin World should give me some sort of discount. Vitamins are expensive!
Oh, and not to mention I'm supposed to up my intake of protein to 70 grams per day from the original 50 I was supposed to be getting. That's nearly impossible without taking some sort of protein supplement. The protein shakes and I aren't getting along so well lately, so I found these little protein bullet drinks at Vitamin World that pack a powerful punch of 42 whoppin' grams of protein in just 3.4 oz. Works for me. Well, except they are very thick and syruppy and make me wanna gag, even with the delicious grape flavor (insert sarcasm here). So I get them really cold and dilute them in water and as long as I drink all of it, it's still the same as drinking it straight. Whew! I didn't know I was gonna have to go through all of this when I signed up for this surgery!
But I'm still glad I did. I have no regrets.
I can't remember if I've updated my weight loss recently, so I'll tell you that I've lost 38 lbs so far. The weight loss has slowed down considerably in the last 2 months, but that's normal the dr. says. However I am noticing that clothes are continuing to feel looser, so I'm probably gaining some muscle mass from working out. My goal weight loss is 90 lbs, so I've still got a ways to go, but I'm in this for the long haul, so I'm good. Peace out! :-)

"Lucky" No. 7

First things first...if you know me at all, you know that I don't believe in luck, so don't take it the wrong way, I just needed a catchy title, OK? Got it? Good.

Now, second things second...I'm sorry it's been a month of Sunday's (not really, but I'm a perpetual exaggerator) since I've blogged, but I've been sorta, kinda, just a smidge bit busy raising a rascal bunch of 3 boys.

Now, third things third...OK, enough of the numbering stuff, I've got a lot to say and that's gonna get real old real quick, so just try to keep up with my ramblings as best as you can! I went for my third fill on my band today and in a way I really really wanted to go, and in another way I really really wanted to avoid the appointment like the plague. Don't get me wrong, I really needed a fill, I mean like REALLY NEEDED IT, but I was just a tad apprehensive about the...drum roll please..............WEIGH IN! Scary thing, that ominous big black machine sitting in the corner of my doctor's office. Now I weigh myself at home, but it's only the official weigh in that goes in my records that counts. As of the last visit, I had experienced a significant slow down in my weight loss, only losing 6 lbs in a 7 week time period. I know, I know...before you go throwing tomatoes at me, that is a good weight loss and I know a ton of people that would be giddy over that, and I am proud of it, but I had been hoping for more. And this time, I knew it would be less. For starters, I've been a bad girl lately as far as my food choices go, and to top it off, I'm bloated and retaining water right now, so I knew it wasn't gonna be good. I was at least hoping to be the same weight and that I didn't gain anything. Thankfully, the scales were kind to me and I did lose 3 more pounds since my last visit bringing the total to 38 lbs. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

But the weight loss was just the tip of the iceberg as far as issues that I needed to address today at my appointment. I've been having some disturbing physical changes taking place that I am none too happy about. First and most alarming to me is the hair loss. I'm serious. This is no joke. Every time I wash my hair, I end up with a handful of hair that comes out. It's bad. Really bad. It's not like I have thick hair as it is, so this is really bothering me. And I'm really tired. I know that I have been burning the candle at both ends, so to speak, as of late, but it's really hard to tell if it's because I'm raising 3 boys, babysitting two 11 month old girls two days per week, as well as all of the other stuff that goes with being a mom, or if it's really something to worry about. I just want to be sure that nothing is wrong. So, my Dr. gave me a long list of things to do, most importantly starting with a full blood work up. He's checking everything... iron, B12, glucose, folic acid, Vitamin D, and the list goes on. He's also checking for "malabsorption post surgery" and "malnutrition mild degree" whatever those things mean. That last one actually makes me laugh. One would certainly not think of me as being malnourished at first glance, huh? Anyhoo...that's that! Oh, and he actually said I might not be getting enough fat to eat. Imagine that!

Next on the list is to up my protein intake from 50-60 grams to 70! That's near impossible. I struggle getting enough already. I'm still not sure how I'll do it. And I also need to increase my multivitamin intake from 1 per day to 2 as well as adding a B complex, fish oil supplement and Biotin. Great. Just great. I can barely remember to take my 1 multivitamin each day and that's with signs posted all over the house to "take meds". Really I have those signs. I made them up after forgetting for almost a week straight to take my vitamins and other meds. I'm so forgetful.

So, to get to the "lucky" no. 7.....Today I received another 1.5 cc's of saline in my band bringing my total amount to 7 cc's. I am super excited that Dr. Small went with that amount. I've been hungry lately. Honestly, I feel like some days I can eat just as much as I could before the surgery. I've really been trying to pay attention to it, but it's so hard to tell if I really am hungry or if I just want to eat just to eat, you know...old habits die hard.

So, that just about sums up my day. Thanks for following along and putting up with my randomness. I appreciate all of the support from everyone that has encouraged me, complimented me, or admired me from afar. You know who you are ;-)

Until next time........

Andrea

P.S. I forgot to mention that my Dr. wasn't as concerned as I was at the significant slow down in my weight loss, especially when I mentioned to him that I have been running and preparing to do a 5k run next month. He said something about my muscles storing more water or something to help with the physical exertion that goes along with running. I dunno, it just sounded good to me! So, that's my story and I'm stickin to it!!!

I'm "That" Mommy

Somewhere along the way I became the mommy I said I never would become. I think you know the one I'm talking about....The mama who says "NO" to her children's requests to go outside and play because "I don't feel like cleaning up a mess if you get dirty."The mom whose reply is "I don't have time right now, I have to cook dinner" when her son asks her to read him a story. The mother who says to her children "Please go play, I need to finish up something on the computer ." The mommy who says "Not now" when her child asks her to play a game with him. The mommy who barely takes her eyes off of the newspaper to look at her son when he says "Look at me, Mommy" or "Watch this, Mommy." The kind of mommy who worries constantly about how dirty her house is and spends endless hours telling her children to pick up their toys. Or who spends hours on end scrubbing, disinfecting and organizing all the while her children are playing by themselves. The woman who looks like she has it all together on the outside with the perfect clothes, perfect hair, perfect husband, and perfect family, but who on the inside is a hot mess! How selfish I have become. I told God I would never take them for granted if He would bless me with children. How quickly I have forgotten. I have forgotten all those agonizing months and years of infertility. I have forgotten the moments of begging and pleading with God through tears to please place His trust in me and give me children. "I won't let you down, God", I said. I'm afraid I have. The only thing I can take comfort in is that it's not too late to change the kind of mama I am. My oldest is still only 5 and at the end of each day, all my boys still willingly give me hugs and kisses and say "I love you so much mommy." That gives me hope. And courage. Courage to change. Courage to ask God for His forgiveness and to help me to be the kind of mom that pleases Him. It won't happen overnight, I know. But I am dedicating myself to change. Will you ask yourself this question..."Am I the kind of mom that pleases God or is there room for change in my life?" Let's work on this together, shall we?

I DonT Wanna Be A Skinny Girl

So I've been M.I.A. for awhile. I apologize. It's just that I'm realizing something. I created this blog to be an outlet for me during this journey that I've embarked on. And in the beginning I really needed it. It was therapy for me. I wrote every day and it was a way for me to make it. Now that I'm 3 months out from surgery and am falling into a routine and making progress (slower than I'd hoped), I'm finding that I don't need the blog as much as I did before. I still do, but just not as much. I'm gaining more confidence and I just don't find that I need to write about every little detail in order to make it through the next day. Does that make sense? I hope so. So with that said, I won't be writing every day now. I don't want to feel like I have to come up with topics to talk about if they just aren't coming to me. Hopefully I'll at least make an appearance in blog land once or twice each week. And I may be taking the blog in a different direction too. As I mentioned in another post, I have sort of rediscovered my love of crafting, decorating and the like, so there may be times when I want to share with you new things I've done. I hope that's ok and I hope everyone will still continue to read. My main focus will still continue to be this weight loss/health journey that I'm on and I will continue to give frequent updates about my progress. I want to say thank you to all of you who have read and supported me so far. It has meant so much more to me than I can find the words to express. I love all of you for it!

Now, about that title above......I realized something when I was working out at the YMCA the other day. It must have been "skinny girl" day or something. I didn't get the memo, but I'm pretty sure that's what it was because the gym was filled to overflowing with not only skinny girls, but UNDER DRESSED skinny girls if you know what I mean. Not cute. But you know what? I didn't feel one bit intimidated by any of them! I used to. That's one of the things that kept me from committing to working out before. I was always intimidated by that. But not anymore. Cause I don't want to be a skinny girl anymore. I love my curves! I am really learning to embrace them! I think because I'm working out and losing fat that my curves are really becoming more noticeable. I like my hips, my thighs, my butt and my boobies (that's what my boys call them)! First of all, I don't think I could ever be a skinny girl even if I wanted to. I'm not built that way. Even when I was thin, I always had some substance. I guess you could even call me "thick." But I'm loving the new shape my body is taking. Skinny is just not what I want to be. It doesn't look attractive to me. I like being "soft" and not completely firm in all areas of my body. And that's just how I think a woman should look. So anyway, embrace your curves ladies! If you don't like something about yourself, change it. Do the work, commit and make the changes necessary. And along the way know that whatever size you are, you are beautiful just the way you are!

Can't Even Pinch An Inch

In honor of St. Patrick's Day, my husband and I exchanged the customary pinches with each other for not wearing green. Secretly between you and me, I purposely don't wear green on this day because I quite like having my husband pinch me wherever he chooses! Of course, I remembered what day it was first, so I offered the first pinch of the day with my husband following quickly behind. We went to the usual places first, with the rump being prime pickins. Only my honey didn't find as much junk in my trunk today as he did last year. He had a hard time finding enough flab there to pinch. He said "Baby, your butts so firm now, I can't even pinch an inch!" Love that man of mine!
As of two days ago, I have FINALLY broken my plateau that I was stuck at for 4 loooooooong weeks! I have now lost a whoppin grand total of 36 pounds! Can I get a "Holla?" Or an "Atta girl?" I am patting my own self on the back right now! Yes I'm proud. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I have worked hard for every single pound! Thanks to everyone for all of your encouragement. It means so much!
Now I must go find my honey so I can find somewhere else to pinch him before this day is over. This is so much fun!!!!!

3 Days To A New You (3 days per week, that is)

As promised, here is my 3 day alternating workout program. I try to exercise 4 times per week and I just keep rotating between upper body workouts, core training , and lower body workouts. I had no idea what most of these exercises were until my husband showed them to me, but if you don't have access to a hunky honey to show you, most gyms have trainers who are willing to guide you in the right direction. Happy exercising....

Day 1
Upper Body

** Cardio: 30 min.before or after strength training** ( Elliptical/Zumba)

*Machine Shoulder Presses: 2-3 sets / 8-12 reps each (24/36/36 lbs.)

*Side Dumbbell Raises: 2-3 sets / 10-12 reps each (24/36/36 lbs.)

*Smith Machine Incline Presses: 2-3 sets / 8-10 reps each (24/36/36 lbs.)

*Machine Rows: 2-3 sets / 8-10 reps each ( 50 lbs.)

*Dumbbell Curls: 2-3 sets / 10-12 reps each (12/15/18 lbs)

*Kneeling Cable Crunches: 2-3 sets / 15-20 reps each (60/70/80 lbs)

*Leg Raises; 2-3 sets / 10-12 reps each (just using own body weight)


Day 2
Core Training

**30 min. before or after strength training (Elliptical/Zumba)**

*Good Mornings: 2-3 sets/6-10 reps each (18/24/24 lbs.)

*Stiff Legged Dead lifts: 2-3 sets / 6-10 reps each (18 lbs.)

*Kettle bell Swings: 2-3 sets / 6-8 reps each (20/25/25 lbs.)

*Dumbbell Side Bends: 2-3 sets / 12-15 reps each (15/18/18 lbs.)

*Russian Twist on Stability Ball: 2-3 sets / 10-13 reps each

*Planks on Stability Ball or Against Wall: 3 sets / 20-30 seconds each


Day 3
Lower Body

** 30 min. cardio before or after strength training (Elliptical/Zumba)**

*Horizontal or 45% Leg Presses: 2-4 sets / 8-10 reps each ( 45/60/60 lbs.)

*Leg Extensions: 2-3 sets / 10-15 reps each ( 36 lbs.)

*Lying Leg Curls: 2-3 sets? 10-12 reps each ( 24 lbs.)

*Seated Calf Raises: 2-3 sets / 10-12 reps each ( 10/20/30 lbs.)

*Inner Thigh Machine: 2-3 sets / 8-10 reps each ( 45 lbs.)

*Outer Thigh Machine: 2-3 sets / 8-10 reps each (45 lbs.)

*Abdominal movements of your choice (I have been experimenting with a ton of these, I will do a separate blog detailing some)


So, that's my workouts. I try to allow 1 day in between to recover, but it isn't always possible. However on the days that I workout hard 2 days in a row, I am very sore afterwards. I'm learning the hard way that recovery time is very important. I feel that my body is adjusting to this workout plan so I am really looking forward to starting a revised plan next week. I hope this helps you to maybe try some of these same exercises. Let me know how you like them. Until tomorrow....