S.W.E.A.T

I have this thing about sweat. I hate it. It’s gross. I hate how I feel when I sweat. But tonight it felt so good! I was able to exercise for the first time since my surgery. I wanted so bad to get on the elliptical and see if I could just jump right back in where I left off 3 weeks ago, but I’m still on restricted activity, so I walked on the treadmill instead. I walked for 30 minutes at 3.0 miles per hour for a total of 1.5 miles. And the sweat felt good. While I was walking, I couldn’t help but look around the room and see all the different people there. There was quite a mix of people all at varying degrees of fitness and health. There were, of course, the macho jocks trying to impress whoever would notice them, middle aged men and women just trying to shed some of the excess holiday weight, thirty somethings, young teenagers and of course, the thorns in my side since I started exercising 2 years ago…..the skinny girls. You know, if I’m going to be really honest, I don’t like them. They make me feel intimidated, inferior. But then I got to thinking, I don’t know what price they have paid to get to where they are. And their journey is not my journey. So, as hard as it was to do, I just started focusing on myself and how far I’ve come already. As I looked down at my feet, the realization came to me that each stride I was taking was bringing me one step closer to where I want to be. And that made me feel proud. Maybe one day I’ll be a skinny girl too and maybe I won’t. And you know, I’m ok with that. But one thing I will be is healthier than I was before. But I don't think I'll ever get used to this sweating thing!

Confessions of a Chocoholic

I’m coming out of the closet today. Yes, it’s true… I’m Andrea McCall and I’m a chocoholic. Now my secret is out. I love chocolate. All humans need air to breathe, water to survive and food for nourishment. I need chocolate to stay sane. Some medicate themselves with Prozac, some take Paxil, and some even use Zoloft, but I eat chocolate. Milk chocolate is my favorite, but in a pinch, I’ll eat any kind. And I’m not a chocolate snob either. It doesn’t have to be Ghiradelli, Hershey, or Nestle. Generic brands will do just fine. And when mixed with peanut butter, it’s divine! This being said, eating chocolate became off limits for the time being after surgery. I’ve done fine until now. I think it’s because of all the cookies, pies and cakes I’m being surrounded by during the holidays, but I’m having some serious withdrawal symptoms. So, I got creative without cheating. I am allowed to have sugar free, low calorie hot chocolate. I checked. It’s on my list of foods/drinks I can have. This morning I got my ingredients together to mix up my trusty protein shake and I had an idea. I grabbed a packet of my Swiss Miss Sensible Sweets Diet hot chocolate with added Calcium and Vitamin D (with only 25 calories per serving) and added it to ½ cup of fat free milk, 6 oz of artificially sweetened vanilla yogurt, 1 ½ scoops of protein and 4 ice cubes and got to mixin! The anticipation was killing me! Would it work? Would it satisfy my craving? I always like to put my shakes in the freezer for a few minutes after I mix them to thicken them up just a bit, so I did that and stood impatiently, looking at the clock for that 5 minutes to end. When it was time, I pulled it out, stirred it up and took a gulp………Ahhhhhhhhhh……I was in heaven! The most delicious thing I have tasted in weeks! It was so good. It tasted just like a triple thick chocolate milkshake from McDonalds. Pure genius! All is well in my world again!

Bittersweet

On Christmas Eve, I had my first taste of "real" food in 15 days and I have to tell you, it was bittersweet. I know I'm crazy, right? The full liquid diet that I was on was horrible and I was so glad to be over with it. I couldn't wait for this day to arrive. But now that it's here, I'm kind of scared. It was easier for me to stay motivated with the liquids because of the weight coming off. But now that I've started on the "soft food" stage for the next 14 days, the Dr. said this is when the weight loss can slow down. And then when I begin eating regular foods on Jan 7, it could be as little as 1-2 pounds per week. I know that's a healthy weight loss schedule, but I'm afraid that I won't stay motivated with it. I've got a lot of people on my side and so many friends and family pulling for me, which feels like a blessing and a curse at the same time. A blessing for obvious reasons, but a curse because of my fear of failure that I mentioned in the very beginning of this blog. I was so excited to have my scrambled egg with cheese for breakfast and 1/2 cup of turkey salad for lunch, but now when dinner drew near, I wanted to go back to liquids so...I dunno....so I wouldn't feel like I was "cheating." Does that sound strange? Maybe it's just me, or maybe you just have to be in my shoes to fully understand. I'm not sure what I'll do. I think I just need some chocolate to help me think straight! KIDDING!!!! I'm so afraid I'll overdo it. When I had that first taste of real food, I could feel myself wanting to lose control. I wanted to eat and eat and eat! I didn't want to stop after that 1/2 cup was gone. I could feel that I was full. I've learned what that feels like in the last 2 weeks, but still I wanted to eat. Before the surgery, I don't think I really ever ate because I was hungry, or stopped when I was full. I ate just to eat. I ate because it was "time to eat" at meal times, or when I was lonely at night when Tom was at work and the boys were in bed. I ate because I was emotional. I ate because I love food! Oh, Lord I need you more now than ever before. The temptation is so great and my resistance is failing. I feel like an addict craving just one more hit. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know we all struggle with things, but why did this have to be my lot in life? Why did this stupid food addiction have to be my area of weakness? And why can't I stop thinking about food? If your reading this, it means your interested in what I'm going through and your probably pulling for me to succeed, so would you please just breathe a quick prayer to heaven for help and strength to come to me? Thank you!

Sweet 16!

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was my 16th birthday and not even the rain (my birthday is in April so it ALWAYS rains on my birthday) could dampen my spirits. I was young, carefree and I thought I was in love! My boyfriend who was 3 years older than me brought me roses









and surprised me with matching Baltimore Orioles t shirts and a home game at Camden Yards. We had a great time blowing money on hot dogs, sodas and peanuts. I was a good christian girl and he was a good christian boy so at the end of the night, we exchanged a quick kiss and said goodnight.............


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October 16, 2004. The first time I heard her voice. Carmen, Judah's birth mother sounded so nervous and unsure of herself. But she was firm in her decision to give her unborn baby a better life. We thank God every day for the difficult decision she made...............









It was payday and only by a miracle from God, we were able to pay the entire mountain of bills we had accumulated. Every last one of them...paid in full! We had $16 left in our checking account, but we were rich as far as we were concerned...............










Ahhhhh, There's nothing like it in the world! It's something I treat myself to occasionally when I've had a bad day or just feel like a little pick me up.
A 16 oz. fountain drink all to myself! Mmmm mmmm good...........









16 years, 16 days, $16, 16 oz. None of these "16's" are the 16 I'm most happiest about in my life at this moment. It's the 16 lbs. that I've just shed that makes me want to shout from the mountain top! I did it! I really did it! I made it past that 15 lb. marker that I could never make it past when I've tried all those countless diets in the past. What a sense of accomplishment I'm feeling today! It kind of makes all those tears I've cried all worth it! I made it! 16 sweet sweet pounds!!!!!

I Want A Cookie!

My neighbor from across the street who has Master, the dog whom my boys love brought over a huge and I mean H.U.G.E. platter of cookies this evening. We were all upstairs in the boys room watching a movie when we heard the knock on the door. I was already in my pajamas for the night, so Tom went to answer it. After I heard it close, I curiously made my way down the stairs to see who it was. And then I saw it. I promptly turned myself right back around, walked back up the stairs to my bedroom, shut the door (I didn’t slam it this time!), flung myself on my bed, buried my head in my pillow and began sobbing! “Why, oh why did I choose to have this surgery?” “And why did I choose to have it NOW during the most difficult time of year to eat healthy?” Of course I already knew the answers to these questions, but in that moment, all logic went out the window. I chose to have this surgery because I’ve tried everything else with no results, mostly because of my own lack of self control, and I chose to have it now because of insurance. We’ve already met our deductible for the year and if I waited until the beginning of the year, we would have to pay significantly more than we did by having it now. But like I said, all logic was lost. I’ve done so good. But today was hard. Not just after the cookies, but earlier. I think it was because I was feeling somewhat stressed, but I really, really, really wanted something sweet to eat today. I was having a hard time concentrating on anything else except for my craving for something sweet. Then I visited my mother in law, who on my way out the door, went to her freezer and pulled out a coconut cream cake to give to my husband. It’s one of his favorites. I don’t even like coconut but hey, it was something sweet and that’s what I wanted. I made it through watching my family chow down on that cake after dinner. I made it through the rest of the evening. And then the cookies. I wanted to explode! I even said to my husband, “Do you think I could blend one of those up in my protein shake?” He was unenthusiastic about that idea. Now, as I’m sitting here typing this with tears streaming down my cheeks, the cookies are mysteriously absent. They are nowhere to be found. I looked for them when I came back downstairs after putting the boys to bed, but I couldn’t find them. I think Tom took pity on me and did something with them. He’s doing everything he knows to do to help me and I appreciate that more than words could say. But oh how I really want a cookie right now!

Dirty Dishwater

While I am recovering very nicely and I am no longer experiencing pain or discomfort and my incisions are healing very well, I still have some restrictions from my doctor. This being said, my husband is still doing most of the household chores like vacuuming, laundry, bathing the boys and putting them to bed, and of course, dishes. It’s not that doing dishes is strenuous and I certainly am allowed to do them at least, but the problem is that we don’t have a dishwasher and my largest scar is precisely at the place where the kitchen counter meets my waist. So, it is uncomfortable to say the least. And because my wonderful husband cares so much about my comfort, he continues to do them. Isn’t he sweet? I really have nothing to complain about, except that I have this pet peeve. When the dishes are done, I always immediately let the dish water out, rinse the suds down the drain and wipe the sink. My husband does not share this pet peeve with me. And it annoys me, irritates me, plucks my nerves, rubs me the wrong way…you get the idea. The dishwater could sit all day long for all he cares, he’s a man and I’m pretty sure that most men don’t care about things like that. Like I said, I’m not complaining. I have several friends who would absolutely fall over in amazement if their husband did half the things mine does around the house. Trust me, I know how blessed I am. But I’m just making an observation. On one particular evening, I came downstairs around 10:00 to get a sip of water and I was greeted with this sight! I was disgusted! Dinner and dishes were over hours ago and the water still remained in the sink. Spaghetti is what they had for dinner. I think that my pet peeve came from an incident that happened to one of my sisters, Marie. She left dishwater in her sink all night long and in the morning when she reached down to let the water out, she felt something squishy. When she pulled it out, it was a mouse that had drowned overnight in the water! Can you believe it? She never did that again! And if I was a betting woman, I’d bet that after reading this, you won’t either! Hey, maybe I need to remind my husband of this story one more time!

The Pants

I have this pair of pants. They are my most favorite pair of pants that I own. There’s just one thing…I’ve only worn them twice. I got them on sale at Old Navy right before I found out that I was pregnant with our second son, Ezra over 3 years ago and I’ve never been able to fit back into them since. Until today. I was standing in front of my closet, trying to find something to wear to a Christmas party tonight when I saw them hanging there. For a split second the thought crossed my mind to try them on. Then I thought “Nah, it’s too soon. I can’t wear them yet." Then I got curious. I wondered how much longer it would be until I could wear them again, so I thought I’d just try them on and see. Can you imagine the exhilaration when they not only slid easily over my thighs, hips and belly, but then I zipped them up with no trouble at all! If I could have, I would have done a cartwheel at that moment. I nearly squealed in delight! As a matter of fact, I think I did. I called for my husband to come see, but he was changing a dirty diaper downstairs. I got too impatient for him to finish, so I nearly floated down the stairs to show him! My son, Judah said… "Oooh Mommy, I like those pants! Do girls wear pants like that too?" I laughed. They’re camouflage. He’s never seen me in them. All of the boys have a pair, but they’ve never seen mommy wear them before. I hugged him and said, “Yes baby, girls can wear these pants too! “ I sauntered back upstairs to take them off to get a shower and then I remembered something. I’ve been trying to mentally prepare myself for this party all week long. It’s an annual family/friends party that I look forward to each year. Except this year is very different. I’m still on an all liquid diet, so I couldn't eat any of the food that was served. I even made a pasta salad and brownies to bring, but I couldn't eat that either. I spoke with a friend this week who had gastric bypass surgery several years ago right before Christmas just like I did and she was telling me about the emotions that I might go through during this time, especially if I have parties to go to where there will be food. I prepared myself for maybe having to take a timeout in the bathroom to shed a few tears and maybe even cry on the way home. My plan was to make a point to talk to every single person in attendance at this party. I wanted to work my way around to everyone so I wouldn’t be focused so much on the food. But I had something to keep me smiling. Each time I was tempted to have a moment of regret for having the surgery at this particular time and each time I had just a twinge of sadness over not being able to eat, I looked down at my pants and smiled! Thank you Jesus for giving me something to smile about today!