I Look To You

Seasons. We all go through them. Seasons change. And seasons change us. It's just a fact. I guess it's how we handle the season we're in that determines how long we stay in it and how much of our mind, heart and will is in tact when we come out of it on the other side. I'm convinced that all of the seasons that we must go through are good for us. Sure, we all love it when we're in the "Spring" and "Summer" seasons of our lives when everything is thriving, growing, the sun is shining and everything is good. But how much character would we actually have if that's all our lives consisted of? It's in the "Fall" and especially the "Winter" seasons that true character is developed and true strength is realized. When it seems like all of the life is being sucked out of you, when dead and dry things are all you can see around you., that's when it really counts. I can't explain what I'm going through right now, except to say that I feel like I'm in a "Winter" season of my life. I look around me and know in my head that I've experienced many of those "Spring" and "Summer" seasons, but for the life of me, I can barely remember what it felt like. My heart hurts. I feel like I've lost sight of what my purpose is,my marriage could certainly use a refreshing, I feel lost about how to handle the new set of challenges that are arising with raising my boys, I'm at a standstill in my weight loss, some friends have disappeared, money is almost nonexistent, family is strained, and most heartwrenching of all I feel so distant from my heavenly father. I've been a slacker. I've gotten lazy. I've been taking certain things for granted and it's showing. I feel lost. Totally in the dark. I can hardly catch my breath. I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I've given my all and I have nothing left to give. I've been through so much and have always come out on the other side victorious, but victory is not in my sights right now. I feel like I've been sucker punched right in the gut and I'm about to go down for the count.



I would feel completely hopeless except for the faint song that I can hear from somewhere deep inside of me. I was raised in the church. I grew up singing songs like "Jesus Loves Me" and "This Little Light Of Mine" I know them forwards and backwards. One of my boys favorite songs right now is "Deep And Wide" They sing it almost every day. We've looked it up on Youtube and they want me to play it all of the time. In the quiet hours after the boys have gone to bed, my husband is at work, and I'm alone, I can hear it rising up inside of me. Deep and wide....Deep and wide......It reminds me of how deep and how wide my father's love is for me. No matter where I've been, no matter what I've done, He will not stop loving me. And I find strength in that. Then I remember a song that my husband used to sing to me as I cried myself to sleep in the months after our second son, Ezra was born and I was battling post partum depression worse than I could have ever imagined it to be. Because He lives, I can face tomorrow....Because He lives, all fear is gone....Because I know He holds my future....Life is worth the living just because He lives!

I know who to look to. It's Jesus. The one who will never stop loving me, never give up on me. He's there when I can feel Him and He's there when I can't. He's there in the good times and He's there in the bad. He's there when I feel like thanking Him and He's there when I don't. He's always there, waiting on me. Waiting on you. But why does it take the "Winter" seasons for us to remember this?

I went to the gym today. It's been a week since I've been there. I really didn't feel like being there, but I was. I was flipping through my MP3 player as I mounted the treadmill for my run, hoping to find some pulse pumping song to motivate me. Instead I found something else. A song I've never heard before. My husband is the one who adds songs for me. I confess I don't know how to do it. He must have thought I'd like it. I'm glad he did. Curiously, I let the song play as I started jogging. It didn't take long for the tears to start falling. There I was, in the middle of the gym on the treadmill, running and balling my eyes out. A few people turned and looked, but I didn't care. It was just me and God. It was like we were slowdancing. A love song between us was playing. It was the sweetest moment. I closed my eyes and only by a miracle, I didn't fall . I could picture God, my knight in shining armour coming to my rescue. As I lay in a heap on the floor with all my strength gone, there he was, picking me up, dusting me off, hugging me and telling me that everything was going to be alright. It always is when you let Him have control of your life. With my eyes still closed, I could see myself smiling. I saw myself happy and on the mountain top again. I asked myself why I chose to stay down so long. I knew all along what I had to do, but was too stubborn to do it. I'm reminded of a poem I first heard when i was a teenager in high school.....


As children bring
their broken toys
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams
to God
because He was my friend!

But then instead
of leaving Him
in peace to work alone,
I hung around
and tried to help
with ways
that were my own.

At last I snatched them back
and cried,
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," He said
"What could I do?
You never did let go."

Author Unknown



My advice to you, as well as to myself today is to LET GO AND LOOK TO HIM!

Would you take a minute and listen to the song that so changed me today....

It's the one above!

I'm A Swinger

Yep. You read that right. I'm a swinger. But, wait. It's not what you think....

I hated last summer. I was seriously overweight, tired, hot and miserable much of the summer, and really didn't get much pleasure from spending time at the park with my boys.
But things are different now. I love taking my boys to the park. I love climbing on the jungle gym with them, pushing them on the merry-go-round, and best of all, I LOVE the swings! Last year, my huge hiney didn't fit so comfortably in the swings meant for the youngins. But this year, you can probably find me right next to them, kicking my legs and soaring high! I love the way the wind blows my hair and the tickle in my belly takes my breath away. It's like I'm a kid again. The only time I come down off of the swings is to give my boys a push. And they love it. They love having mommy be their playmate and giggling right along with them! These moments are priceless and will most definitely last a lifetime! Just one more reason to keep going in my journey to become a healthier (and skinnier) me!

* "Enjoy the little things in life for one day you'll look back and realize they were the big things."

Cups On The Ground

I was just 20 paces past the halfway point of the race and the only thing I could focus on was the sweetest old man smiling at me, holding out what appeared to be a million dollars. Nah, it was just a Dixie cup of cold water, but it was just as valuable to me in that moment. Ahhhhhh, exactly what I needed to keep going. I took a long sip and dumped the rest down my face as I threw the cup to the ground and continued running. I kept thinking to myself "I wish I had my camera!" It was in that moment that I felt like a real runner. Looking at all of those white cups on the ground brought such a sense of belonging to me, it was surreal. All the months leading up to the race, I felt like an outsider, like I wasn't for real. And when I arrived early on the morning of the race, registered, stretched, pinned my number on my shirt, and lined up at the starting line, I still felt like I was a spectator. It was not until I took the cup from the nice man, drank it and threw it to the ground that I felt like I belonged there. Funny, isn't it how it's the littlest things that make all the difference in the world? You know, those "Aha moments?" That was mine. Silly as it may sound, a little old Dixie cup make me feel like I was 10 feet tall!

I finished the race in 40 min. 40 sec. I'm proud of that. I'm just glad I finished. Having my husband, my boys, my sister, and my friend Heather at the finish line cheering me on was a moment that I cannot put into words no matter how hard I try. I sobbed like a baby as I ran across the finish line. It was a defining moment for me. Proof that I could do something if I just set my mind to it. I learned that it's mind over matter, really. Just as much mental preparation was necessary as physical. I'm preparing for my next one now. It will be in September and I'm hoping to shave some time off between now and then. It feels great to be working towards a goal such as this when just one year ago, I couldn't even hope to run for 3 minutes. Baby, I'm on my way!

I Can Do This...

Right? I can, can't I? I do have what it takes, don't I? I will survive, won't I? Oh the thoughts swirling around inside my pretty little head right now! I'm a mess! I'm excited, nervous, confident, and doubtful....all in one! But I'm ready. At least I think I am. I know how the mind can play dirty tricks on you, so I'm getting myself prepared tonight. To some, it might sound extreme, or even silly, but I think I've got it all covered.....

I went to the nail salon to get my nails done and I had Vinnie, my nail tech hand paint 4:13 on my nails so that in case I think I can't go any further tomorrow, all I have to do is look down at my nails and be reminded that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. If that isn't enough, I'll be wearing the necklace that my husband got me for my birthday snug around my neck to remind me that love conquers all. All I have to do is reach up and touch it to be reminded of that. And if there is still any doubt, I'll be carrying a picture of my 3 sons in my sock to remind me of the unconditional acceptance that can only come from momma's boys. Win or lose, whether I meet my time goal or not, they will still have hugs and kisses for mommy at the finish line. And one more thing for good measure. I'll have the initials B.I.O.M.W (for Baby, I'm On My Way) temporarily tattooed on my forearm.

I've got my favorite exercise outfit cleaned and ready to go and my MP3 stocked with some good tunes. So what do ya think? Can I do it?


YEP. I GOT THIS!!!!!

I Got A Case Of The Runs

It's not what you think. It's been awhile and I've got a lot of catching up to do. I've been working very hard towards reaching a significant goal and I realized today that I haven't even blogged about it. I've mentioned it on facebook a few times, but never on my blog, so I better get to typing, huh?

2 Months ago, I got the bright idea that I was going to start running. And I decided to register for my first 5K run. It's this Saturday and I'm starting to wonder if I was completely out of my mind to do this.

Rewind 18 years ago. I was 14 and in the 9th grade. Cross Country was the current focus in our Phys Ed class. I think I came up with every excuse in the book why I couldn't run...I was on my period and had really bad cramps, I ate something for breakfast that didn't sit well in my stomach and I was just too queasy to run, my foot hurt, my legs were sore, I had an earache, I forgot my gym clothes....you get the idea. I hated running. Passionately hated running. I'm not sure why, but I guess it had something to do with the fact that I've never been uh, shall we say...skinny. I've been overweight since I hit puberty. And I always had big boobies. Not the greatest combination for running. Somehow I made it through and I managed to finish the requirements to pass. I can't remember how far we had to run, but one thing I am sure of is that I came in last place every time. Great for the self esteem, huh? NOT!

Now, fast forward to June 2010. I'm actually paying money to compete in a 5K run! I AM crazy! I really am! I've been training for this for 2 months. I started out gung ho. When I first decided to do this, my only goal was to just finish. I didn't care about time. I just wanted to finish. Then my competitive nature kicked in and I decided that if I was going to do this, I was going to set a goal for my time. Now I know I can't compete with some of the seasoned runners that will be there on that day, but I can compete with myself. I can push myself harder than I ever have and finish in a time that I can be proud of. The time that I decided on was 40 min. The very first time that I ran the distance, I finished in 48 min. The 2nd was 46 min, and so on and so on. Somewhere around 1 month into my training, I finished in 39 min 27 sec. Whew! I can do this!

But then something happened. I kind of lost focus. I started babysitting 2 days each week, and that took away some of my gym time. I was doing more with my boys since the weather was nicer and that took some more time away from the gym. I've managed to have gotten myself back into a manageable routine, but now I'm cramming in a run almost every day just to make sure I'm ready. And I'm not sure if I am. Yesterday, I finished in 45 min. 51 sec. Your going in the wrong direction, Andrea! Today, I couldn't even finish the entire run. I only ran 2.6 mi. in 35 min. After getting off the treadmill, I promptly walked out of the fitness center down the hall to the nearest ladies room and threw up! Not a good sign! But you know what? I'm not giving up. I am running this race! I would never be able to forgive myself if I didn't. I'm running it for myself. I'm running it for my husband. I'm running it for my boys. I'm running it for every single person who has read my blog and has sent me messages that I have inspired them. I AM RUNNING THIS RACE! But I sure hope there's a trash can near the finish line just in case I have a repeat of tonight! LOL

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Like Mother Like Daughter

I've never had a good relationship with my mother. There's just no other way to say it. We just never got along. We never saw eye to eye. There has been lots of issues. For the sake of respecting my mother regardless of my feelings towards her, I'm not going to get into specifics. Suffice it to say that we weren't the best of friends. I found out from my father when I was about 16 years old that my mother basically had the same kind of relationship with her mother. Except it was worse for her. Again, I'm not giving details. So, I guess you could say that my mom did the best that she knew how. And it wasn't until recently that I truly began to understand that.

For obvious reasons, I really never had the best self image growing up. And even as an adult, even though it often appears that I'm quite confident, there is from time to time this inner struggle within me where I still battle that. I guess I've never felt that I "measured up." To what, I'm not sure, but it's always there, lingering in the recesses of my mind. For the past week, there has been this turmoil inside of my mind. I'm not quite sure why, but I started thinking about all of the jobs that I've had over the years since I started my first job as a paper carrier at the age of 12. When I was 16, I was a waitress, then I worked in several hair salons as an assistant until I earned my Cosmetologist license and briefly did hair at one salon which I despised, worked at Citibank for 2 years until going on to further my education and become an Esthetician, where I worked on and off (more off than on because those were the years that I got married and was having children)at the same Spa for 11 years. Which brings me to the present where I'm a stay at home mom/part time child care provider to a friend's 2 little twin girls. I started thinking about the circumstances surrounding my departure from each job and I got to thinking about what my previous employers would say about what kind of employee I was. I'm embarrassed to say that some of them would probably not have good things to say about me with the exception of my last employer. Granted, I was very young at all of the others, and I'm sure I didn't have a good work ethic. Let's face it, I was just there to earn enough money to pay my bills and be able to have some fun. But I have to tell you that this realization was a real blow to my confidence level. Add that to the fact that most days now I feel that I have in some way or another let my husband or my children down, and I've got a real problem on my hands.

Back to my mother...I kind of snapped this morning. It was 3;00 a.m., I'm going on less than 4 hours of sleep for the past 3 nights, and I'm up yet again, this time with my 2 year old son. I was tired. Exhausted. Whipped. My husband had moved to the couch and left me in our bed with Hezekiah, with the best intentions I might add. He thought he was letting me be comfortable while he took the less than comfy couch. Sounds great, right? Wrong! Hezekiah just would not go back to sleep. He tossed, turned, flipped, flopped, kicked, elbowed, kneed, and just would not be still. After about an hour of putting up with his gymnastics, I yelled at him...3 times in about 15 minutes. Nothing bad. Just "STOP IT, ZEKE! GO TO SLEEP!.....GOOOOOO TOOOOOO SLEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!! I didn't spank him out of anger. I didn't harm him physically. I just yelled at him. So my husband came upstairs and we exchanged a few words about how I was handling the situation. Neither of us were nice to the other. That did it for me. Sleep was not to be had for the rest of the night. I was mad. Real mad. So do you know what I did? I came downstairs, flipped all of the lights on and started cleaning...scrubbing, wiping, dusting, doing dishes, whatever I could find that needed cleaned.

Somewhere in the middle of my madness, I had a flashback of my mother. She was cleaning. She always cleaned. Really the only memories I have of her are when she was cleaning. Our house could never be clean enough for her. She was always cleaning. And I always said I would never be like that. We were afraid to make a mess growing up. I never wanted my children to feel that way. Guess what? I'm like her now. I clean all of the time. And it's never enough. I could clean for several hours, all day long really and my home would still not feel clean enough for me. Having 3 little boys could have something to do with that (wink) but it's just never clean enough for me.
Then I realized something. My mother's self image was never good as a result of how she grew up, and I am in some way the same way. I'm taking liberties assuming how my mother feels, but I'm pretty sure I'm accurate. I think that she probably never felt like she did anything good enough until she found that she was good at cleaning. I feel the same way. So when I feel like I've failed as a wife, I clean. When I feel that I'm doing a bad job as a mother, I clean. When I feel like I've let my relationship with Jesus slack, I clean. I just clean. It's what I know how to do. It's what I'm good at. It's comfort. It's solace. It's a stress reliever. It's the only thing I feel I'm good at sometimes.
It's taken me 32 years to finally understand a little bit about my mother and why she was the way she was and still is, but I get it now, at least this part of her. What do I do with that understanding? I'm not sure. How do I use it to help me be a better wife and mother? I don't know. Will my boys feel the same way towards me as I feel towards my mother? I sure hope not. All I know is I'm trying every day to be the best that I can be. Some days I fail miserably. Others I do alright. Occasionally I'm an exceptional, outstanding, and amazing wife and mother. The only thing I can do is to pray and ask God to help me have more of those "occasional" days.
Thanks for listening!

Pill Poppin' Princess

Yep. That's me. I've been poppin pills lately. A lot of them. I mean A LOT! My body is turning on me and I just had to try to do something about it. My hair is falling out, I'm EXTREMELY tired all of the time, my skin is breaking out, my nails are brittle, I bruise very easily now, I'm getting dizzy and feeling faint while working out, I have low energy, don't sleep well at night, poor memory, decreased attention span, headaches,..... So now I'm on a strict regimen of vitamins and supplements every day, several times each day. Wanna know what I'm taking? Here goes.....

*Women's One A Day with Calcium, Iron and Zinc...2 times per day
*Omega 3 Fish Oil supplement 1000 mg...3 times per day
*L-Lysine 500 mg...2 times per day
*Biotin 1000 mcg...3-5 times per day
*Vitamin C 5oo mg...1 per day
*B Complex...2 per day
*Garlic and Parsley...2 per day
*Iron...2 per day
*Fluvoxamine 100 mg...1 per day
*Super Hero Gummies multivitamin...1 per day.....Oops, sorry, that's my boys...I got carried away pulling bottles out of the basket!


In case you lost count, that's a minimum of 18 pills per day! Good googa mooga...I could barely remember to take 1 multivitamin each day before! I know it's crazy, right? It seems that the old saying "An apple a day keeps the doctor away" has changed slightly since I was a kid. Seriously, these are all the supplements that my dr. told me I should start taking since speaking with him about all these things I'm experiencing lately in my body. Well it's worth a shot. But really, Vitamin World should give me some sort of discount. Vitamins are expensive!
Oh, and not to mention I'm supposed to up my intake of protein to 70 grams per day from the original 50 I was supposed to be getting. That's nearly impossible without taking some sort of protein supplement. The protein shakes and I aren't getting along so well lately, so I found these little protein bullet drinks at Vitamin World that pack a powerful punch of 42 whoppin' grams of protein in just 3.4 oz. Works for me. Well, except they are very thick and syruppy and make me wanna gag, even with the delicious grape flavor (insert sarcasm here). So I get them really cold and dilute them in water and as long as I drink all of it, it's still the same as drinking it straight. Whew! I didn't know I was gonna have to go through all of this when I signed up for this surgery!
But I'm still glad I did. I have no regrets.
I can't remember if I've updated my weight loss recently, so I'll tell you that I've lost 38 lbs so far. The weight loss has slowed down considerably in the last 2 months, but that's normal the dr. says. However I am noticing that clothes are continuing to feel looser, so I'm probably gaining some muscle mass from working out. My goal weight loss is 90 lbs, so I've still got a ways to go, but I'm in this for the long haul, so I'm good. Peace out! :-)