Thursday, February 11, 2010
It’s confession time. I’ve been a very, very bad girl. For the past 2 weeks, I have “fallen off the wagon” so to speak. And it’s kind of ironic the timing of it all. If you remember, I was extremely excited about getting the fill on my band just 2 weeks ago. I was experiencing a plateau in my weight loss and I was hoping that the fill would give me the boost I needed to jump start the progress again. I’ve had anything but the desired results I was hoping for. I don’t blame it on anything medically and I don’t think it has anything to do with the fill, but more likely it’s got something to do with a certain “visitor” I’ve had lately. The timing stinks. OK, so I’m gonna get really personal here and if it’s too much for you, then stop reading. But it’s my blog and I’ll talk about what I want to. (insert sarcasm here) I have a condition called Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. Among the many undesirable side effects of this is irregular menstrual cycles. Since I was 11 years old, I can’t remember a time when I knew for sure when I would have a period, except for one brief time stretch when I took birth control pills. I just never know. Over the years, I’ve also experienced infertility, elevated blood sugar levels, weight gain, and a few other things that are just too uncomfortable for me to mention. During the process of leading up to the lap band surgery, one thing that my doctor and I discussed is that with weight loss, some of the symptoms of PCOS will go away. This is a good thing. Really it is. But I’m just not used to having a regular cycle yet and now that my body is reacting well to the weight loss, guess what? It’s like clock work now. And of course, as fate would have it, the same week I received the fill was the week before my “visitor” came. I don’t know how other women’s bodies are, but for me, the week before is horrible. I am moody, irritable, cranky and I want to eat everything in sight! And it lasts right on through until the end. And this month was no different. I think it’s also had something to do with being snowed in the house for several days at a time too. But during these last 2 weeks, I have learned the art of “eating around my band. “ And that’s not good at all. I’ll explain myself. Because of the band, and more recently because of the fill, I can only eat small amounts of food at a time. And I am supposed to limit myself to 3 meals per day of about 1/3 to ½ cup of food each meal. No snacking in between. And I’m not supposed to be hungry between meals either. But, if you’ve known me for any length of time, you’ve most likely heard me say that I had stomach surgery, not brain surgery, and while my stomach may be full, my brain still tells me to eat sometimes. That’s what happens when you’re an emotional eater. So, I’ve been eating my 3 meals per day and feeling full off of them, but occasionally in one or two hours, I’ve been eating again. Snacking. On foods that are bad for me to eat. Foods that I’m supposed to stay away from. And while I haven’t gained any weight back, I haven’t lost anything either. And I’m afraid that I’ve done damage. I don’t know this for sure, but I fear that I have. What if I’ve stretched my stomach during these last 2 weeks? I know it can happen, but I don’t know how long it can take for it to happen. And I’m afraid to ask my doctor. I’m afraid of a reprimand. A lecture. So instead, I called the office and asked for something I told myself I wouldn’t need. A coach. Last month when I went to my first support group meeting, I remember the leader of the group mentioning that there are people available who have been through the weight loss surgery process and have been successful who would love to be a support to anyone who needs it. I shrugged it off then. But I need someone like that now. So I called and asked for the name and contact information for someone today. They are working on matching me up with someone and will call me with the information soon. I can’t wait to talk to whomever it is they set me up with. I need to know if this is normal. Well, I’m sure it is. But I need to talk with someone who’s messed up and still managed to pick themselves up and start over again. I really need this. I’m disappointed in myself. I guess I just thought in my messed up little mind that this wouldn’t happen to me. That I was strong enough where others weren’t. Not so. But at least I’m willing to admit that I’ve messed up and am willing to do the work necessary to get back on track. That should count for something, right? Well I think so.
So, for anyone else out there who’s messed up too, whatever the struggle is….I just want to tell you that it’s not too late for you either. It’s never too late. You can pick yourself back up and get back on track too. Let’s do it together. We can make it!