Friday, January 1, 2010
It’s Friday night (the only way I know this is because I just checked the calendar to be sure) and I haven’t done my hair, put on makeup or been out of my pajamas since Monday when I went to the gym. I mean I’ve taken a shower every night after I put the boys to bed, but somehow the next day in the busyness of taking care of 3 boys I never managed to find enough time to myself to get dressed and put myself together. I ddn’t expect my week to be like this. I had plans a couple times, but they never happened. Oh, there was that day when I went outside with the boys for 20 minutes to build a snowman. I forgot about that. This sucks. I can really feel a difference this week in my mood and energy level. I guess this is what the book my Dr. gave me was referring to. It has been 3 ½ weeks since the surgery, so I guess this is what I should have expected. I just thought somehow that I might skip this period of my body adjusting to the extreme restriction in calories. I’m wondering how long it will last. And to top it off, I somehow managed to pick up this cold that all 3 of my boys have had. I feel horrible. And you know, I don’t feel like anyone understands. I have acquaintances who have gone through this surgery, but no one close enough to really talk to about the ugly stuff you go through after. And none of them had a family to hold together afterwards either. It was just them and their spouse. I have only regretted, I mean truly regretted the surgery once since having it. Well, now twice. Today is one of those times. I just keep thinking in my head that if I could have just shown some self restraint in my food choices and more motivation in working out, maybe I could have done it without surgery. I don’t know. Maybe I could have, maybe not. But it’s done now. There’s no going back. No use in even thinking about it. It’s just that I’m so tired. So sad. Oh God, I hate this! I need your help if I’m going to make it! This is not how I wanted my new year to begin. This day was supposed to be full of joy. Full of hope for the future. But instead I’m wallowing in self pity. And bawling my eyes out. And making enough snot to last a whole year! I wish my husband were here right now. I wish he didn’t have to work tonight. I want him to just scoop me in his arms, hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. But he’s not. It’s just me and the computer. And God is here somewhere. I know He is. I just can’t feel him right now. But I’m not going to give up. I can’t. If it were just me, I might. But it’s not. I have my husband and my 3 boys to keep me going. So for them I will. I won’t give up. I’ll push through this and I will survive! And tomorrow will be another day. And hopefully a better one! For now I’m going to go read my bible and maybe I’ll feel God speak to me in His still small voice reminding me that He has never left me and He never will and maybe that will be enough for me for tonight. And maybe, just maybe tomorrow I’ll get out of my pj’s and get out of this house!
Psalm 56:8 (The Message)
You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book.