Friday, December 17, 2010
Anniversaries are meant to be celebrated so I should be celebrating right now, but somehow I can’t seem to get myself into the celebratory mood. Just over a year ago, I chose to have, arguably, one of the most life altering surgeries that a person can have. Those who have followed my journey know all too well the ups and downs that this chick has faced over the last year and I think you would agree that I have every reason under the sun to celebrate. What a roller coaster ride this year has been! But why, you ask, do I not feel like celebrating? As most of you know, I don’t mince words and I’m as frank as frank can be, so I’m gonna give it to ya straight. I feel like a failure. I set a goal for myself….my doctor set a much more reasonable one… and I didn’t reach either. I know, I know. I’ve heard it from everyone. “But you look great, Andrea! “You’ve done an amazing job, girlfriend!“ And the one I hear most often “I could never do what you’ve done!”
I do appreciate all of those kind words, but as they say…you’re your own worst critic! I look at the scales and rather than seeing all of the weight that I‘ve lost, I see instead all that I still have yet to lose. Instead of seeing how many sizes I’ve gone down, I see the many more I have yet to go. And instead of seeing all of my little accomplishments over the year, I see the long road still ahead of me. I can’t help it. It’s my reality. And I’m just being honest.
So, the question remains…do I feel like the surgery was a failure? In short, no. If the goal was to become healthier, then the surgery accomplished what it was supposed to. If the goal was to lose weight, then yes, it was a success. But ultimately, I’m still overweight and I still have much more to lose.
I’ll warn you, I’m getting to the boring part now…..
In the beginning, I was told that the process of losing the weight is a 2 to 3 year time period. So, in reality I’m only 1/3 of the way into this whole journey. But, I have not lost a pound in 5 months. Blame it on insurance. In the beginning, it was great. My insurance did not require me to wait 12-18 months before I could have the surgery as some do. And when the statements arrived after the surgery, my husband and I were surprised to find that we owed nothing. But then the band fills started. It was manageable in the beginning, but then our insurance changed and it became unaffordable for me to continue receiving the fills necessary on my band to continue with the results that I had been having. I have been slowly becoming hungrier and hungrier until I am at the point now that I can almost eat as much as before. There are some foods that I still cannot eat, but the amounts are not what it was when I was still receiving fills. And it scares me. The scales have not budged. The good thing is that they have not budged in either direction. So, at least I tell myself, I haven’t gone backwards. But still it’s scary nonetheless.
And then there’s that dirty little word…exercise! Yuck! I did so well for the first 8 months. I had a goal to run a 5k. I did it. I wanted to do another. But then I got busy. Just life. You know…wife, mother, employee…that kinda stuff gets in the way of exercise sometimes. And if I’m completely honest, there are days when I have nothing else cluttering up my day and I just don’t feel like going to the gym. And I don’t. Don’t get me wrong. I still exercise. Just not as much.
As I look back over my blog and read some of the funny, poignant, tear jerking, silly, and in your face honest things that I have written, I’m struck with a thought…what would my life be like today if I had not had lap band surgery? The thought brings me to tears because the woman that I was a year ago is not the woman I always dreamed I’d be as a little girl. But the woman I am today almost is! While I still have so far to go on the outside, the changes that have taken place on the inside of me during this last year are significant to say the least. I’m stronger, wiser, braver, more confident, and….SKINNIER!
I’ve had so many people ask so many questions of me during the last year, and I wanted to take moment to answer some of the most popular ones. Am I glad I made the decision to have lap band surgery? Yes. Do I ever regret having the surgery? Some days, sure. If I had it to do all over again, would I? Heck yeah! And am I glad I decided to start a blog and share with the “world” (more accurately, a few loyal readers) my journey? Absolutely!
It’s been too long since I last updated my blog, I know. And I won’t bore you with the long list of excuses why I haven’t written, but I’m back now! I hope that you’ll still continue to follow along on my journey as I begin the second year. I hope to have many more successes to share with you and I’m absolutely sure I’ll have some “woe is me” days as well! Thank you to everyone who has followed along and encouraged me with each step. I appreciate you more than words can say! Bye for now!
Oh, and one more thing.......my weight loss total for the first year is 41 lbs!!!