I Look To You

Seasons. We all go through them. Seasons change. And seasons change us. It's just a fact. I guess it's how we handle the season we're in that determines how long we stay in it and how much of our mind, heart and will is in tact when we come out of it on the other side. I'm convinced that all of the seasons that we must go through are good for us. Sure, we all love it when we're in the "Spring" and "Summer" seasons of our lives when everything is thriving, growing, the sun is shining and everything is good. But how much character would we actually have if that's all our lives consisted of? It's in the "Fall" and especially the "Winter" seasons that true character is developed and true strength is realized. When it seems like all of the life is being sucked out of you, when dead and dry things are all you can see around you., that's when it really counts. I can't explain what I'm going through right now, except to say that I feel like I'm in a "Winter" season of my life. I look around me and know in my head that I've experienced many of those "Spring" and "Summer" seasons, but for the life of me, I can barely remember what it felt like. My heart hurts. I feel like I've lost sight of what my purpose is,my marriage could certainly use a refreshing, I feel lost about how to handle the new set of challenges that are arising with raising my boys, I'm at a standstill in my weight loss, some friends have disappeared, money is almost nonexistent, family is strained, and most heartwrenching of all I feel so distant from my heavenly father. I've been a slacker. I've gotten lazy. I've been taking certain things for granted and it's showing. I feel lost. Totally in the dark. I can hardly catch my breath. I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I've given my all and I have nothing left to give. I've been through so much and have always come out on the other side victorious, but victory is not in my sights right now. I feel like I've been sucker punched right in the gut and I'm about to go down for the count.



I would feel completely hopeless except for the faint song that I can hear from somewhere deep inside of me. I was raised in the church. I grew up singing songs like "Jesus Loves Me" and "This Little Light Of Mine" I know them forwards and backwards. One of my boys favorite songs right now is "Deep And Wide" They sing it almost every day. We've looked it up on Youtube and they want me to play it all of the time. In the quiet hours after the boys have gone to bed, my husband is at work, and I'm alone, I can hear it rising up inside of me. Deep and wide....Deep and wide......It reminds me of how deep and how wide my father's love is for me. No matter where I've been, no matter what I've done, He will not stop loving me. And I find strength in that. Then I remember a song that my husband used to sing to me as I cried myself to sleep in the months after our second son, Ezra was born and I was battling post partum depression worse than I could have ever imagined it to be. Because He lives, I can face tomorrow....Because He lives, all fear is gone....Because I know He holds my future....Life is worth the living just because He lives!

I know who to look to. It's Jesus. The one who will never stop loving me, never give up on me. He's there when I can feel Him and He's there when I can't. He's there in the good times and He's there in the bad. He's there when I feel like thanking Him and He's there when I don't. He's always there, waiting on me. Waiting on you. But why does it take the "Winter" seasons for us to remember this?

I went to the gym today. It's been a week since I've been there. I really didn't feel like being there, but I was. I was flipping through my MP3 player as I mounted the treadmill for my run, hoping to find some pulse pumping song to motivate me. Instead I found something else. A song I've never heard before. My husband is the one who adds songs for me. I confess I don't know how to do it. He must have thought I'd like it. I'm glad he did. Curiously, I let the song play as I started jogging. It didn't take long for the tears to start falling. There I was, in the middle of the gym on the treadmill, running and balling my eyes out. A few people turned and looked, but I didn't care. It was just me and God. It was like we were slowdancing. A love song between us was playing. It was the sweetest moment. I closed my eyes and only by a miracle, I didn't fall . I could picture God, my knight in shining armour coming to my rescue. As I lay in a heap on the floor with all my strength gone, there he was, picking me up, dusting me off, hugging me and telling me that everything was going to be alright. It always is when you let Him have control of your life. With my eyes still closed, I could see myself smiling. I saw myself happy and on the mountain top again. I asked myself why I chose to stay down so long. I knew all along what I had to do, but was too stubborn to do it. I'm reminded of a poem I first heard when i was a teenager in high school.....


As children bring
their broken toys
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams
to God
because He was my friend!

But then instead
of leaving Him
in peace to work alone,
I hung around
and tried to help
with ways
that were my own.

At last I snatched them back
and cried,
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child," He said
"What could I do?
You never did let go."

Author Unknown



My advice to you, as well as to myself today is to LET GO AND LOOK TO HIM!

Would you take a minute and listen to the song that so changed me today....

It's the one above!