Bittersweet

On Christmas Eve, I had my first taste of "real" food in 15 days and I have to tell you, it was bittersweet. I know I'm crazy, right? The full liquid diet that I was on was horrible and I was so glad to be over with it. I couldn't wait for this day to arrive. But now that it's here, I'm kind of scared. It was easier for me to stay motivated with the liquids because of the weight coming off. But now that I've started on the "soft food" stage for the next 14 days, the Dr. said this is when the weight loss can slow down. And then when I begin eating regular foods on Jan 7, it could be as little as 1-2 pounds per week. I know that's a healthy weight loss schedule, but I'm afraid that I won't stay motivated with it. I've got a lot of people on my side and so many friends and family pulling for me, which feels like a blessing and a curse at the same time. A blessing for obvious reasons, but a curse because of my fear of failure that I mentioned in the very beginning of this blog. I was so excited to have my scrambled egg with cheese for breakfast and 1/2 cup of turkey salad for lunch, but now when dinner drew near, I wanted to go back to liquids so...I dunno....so I wouldn't feel like I was "cheating." Does that sound strange? Maybe it's just me, or maybe you just have to be in my shoes to fully understand. I'm not sure what I'll do. I think I just need some chocolate to help me think straight! KIDDING!!!! I'm so afraid I'll overdo it. When I had that first taste of real food, I could feel myself wanting to lose control. I wanted to eat and eat and eat! I didn't want to stop after that 1/2 cup was gone. I could feel that I was full. I've learned what that feels like in the last 2 weeks, but still I wanted to eat. Before the surgery, I don't think I really ever ate because I was hungry, or stopped when I was full. I ate just to eat. I ate because it was "time to eat" at meal times, or when I was lonely at night when Tom was at work and the boys were in bed. I ate because I was emotional. I ate because I love food! Oh, Lord I need you more now than ever before. The temptation is so great and my resistance is failing. I feel like an addict craving just one more hit. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know we all struggle with things, but why did this have to be my lot in life? Why did this stupid food addiction have to be my area of weakness? And why can't I stop thinking about food? If your reading this, it means your interested in what I'm going through and your probably pulling for me to succeed, so would you please just breathe a quick prayer to heaven for help and strength to come to me? Thank you!