Step Right Up To An All You Can Eat Buffet

I sat up with a start as my breath caught in my throat. There was darkness all around me. I looked to my right and to my left and breathed a sigh of relief as I saw the alarm clock glaring back at me. 3:08 a.m. Whew! I laid my head back on the pillow, wiped the sweat from my brow and breathed a sigh of relief. It was just another dream. Another stupid dream. I’ve been having a lot of them lately. And they are all the same. In each one I’m surrounded by ridiculous amounts of food and I’m gorging myself while others are watching in disgust. In this one, I was at the Kelsh’s annual Christmas Eve party
at their home. I got the sense that my family was there too, as we always are, but I didn’t care where they were during this particular stretch of time. All I cared about was the food. And there was lots of it. I mean lots. Inside and outside, upstairs and down. The grill was going outside, there was BBQ chicken, hot dogs, burgers, shrimp kabobs. A cotton candy machine was going. And inside, the same. Cakes, pies, brownies, crock pots full of food, meatballs, cheese platters, soups, casseroles, a turkey, an array of dips, you name it. It was there. I had a plate and it was loaded with food so that it was almost falling off, but I just kept piling more on. People were trying not to stare, but it was hard for them. There were whispers, snickers….And that’s when I woke up! What is wrong with me? Why can’t I find rest even in my sleep? Am I subconsciously afraid of what people think of me? Have I ever been at a social gathering where I had too much on my plate and people looked at me in disgust? I’m usually careful. If you look at me, it’s obvious that I’m overweight, but I always tried really hard not to overdo it in front of people. I’ve always saved it for when I’m alone. And that got me wondering. Are other people the same way? Do others do things that are not particular "sinful" but they would only do it when their alone like, maybe..... overeating or picking their nose or "letting one rip?" Haha, did I really just write that? It must be the lack of food and sleep affecting me now. I guess we all do things like that, huh? Would anyone care to admit it? Hmmm......who's brave enough to tell me? Anyone? I'm waiting......

Today I cried

Today I cried for the first time since my surgery 5 days ago. Actually I’m quite surprised that it took this long considering my tendency to shed a tear at the drop of a hat. I cry when I’m happy, sad, angry, irritated. You name it. I’m an emotional person by nature. That’s just the way God made me. Anyhow, it’s been 6 days since I’ve had anything solid to eat, and well....I'M HUNGRY! The doctor doesn't do the first adjustment on my band until 6 weeks post surgery so for now my stomach is basically the same size it was before surgery. The strained fat free cream soups and sugar free jello just aren’t cutting it anymore. I was attempting to sit down to enjoy my ½ cup of watery fat free cream of potato soup while the rest of my family ate their normal lunches that I used to be able to eat. I was on my third phone call of the day, trying to get some appointments scheduled and get some things accomplished. You know... multitasking. Things moms manage to do every day. The boys were interrupting me and I couldn’t concentrate. I was getting irritated. I’m not sleeping well, I can’t seem to get comfortable no matter what I try and I’m sensing just the slightest bit of agitation coming from my husband. The sympathy is finally wearing off and he’s getting tired too. It just hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to leave the room. I went upstairs, slammed my bedroom door like a hormonal teenager and the river started flowing. It felt good to get it out. It was like poison coming out of me, the frustration and feelings of sadness of what I’ve given up to gain a better me. And then the coughing started. Oh great! I’m quite familiar with what coughing can do to someone whose just had abdominal surgery being that I’ve had 2 c-sections. Oh the pain! I tried to just let out little coughs, but noooooo they were coming out like hacking, coughing up a lung kind of coughs. I grabbed my little 4 ounce cup of water that I was allowed to have by my bedside to take a drink and finally it subsided. I collapsed onto my pillow, exhausted. And then it came over me. Peace. The knowledge that everything is going to be alright. Just in the nick of time Papa came through! I slept for 2 solid hours, not tossing and turning once. And now as I’m writing this, it’s 10:00 at night and I’ve made it through one more day!

Say Cheese!

It was 3 days after my surgery and it was time for the boys to eat lunch. My husband, who has taken a week off from work to take care of me, the kids and manage the household was in the kitchen preparing their meal. While he settled them into their seats at the dining room table, I quietly made my way into the living room to avoid the torture of watching them eat. At this point, I was only on the 2nd day of a 14 day all liquid diet to help my body recover from the surgery. The boys were happily munching away on their grilled cheese sandwiches and “gasp!” my all time favorite salty snack…Gibble’s Cheese Puffy’s! I did all I could to avoid hearing the crunch crunch of those little cheese coated bits of heaven. I flipped through a magazine, I turned up the volume on the t.v., I fiddled with ornaments on the Christmas tree. I was doing alright. I was managing to keep myself under control until………………..all 3 boys finished at the same time and they all wanted their hands and faces wiped simultaneously. Tom, who was doing his best to keep the cheesy madness under control, needed my help. I bravely walked into the dining room and grabbed a wipe. I reached down to begin cleaning Ezra’s hands and face when all of a sudden time stood still! It was just me and those cheese infested hands calling out to me! The urge was so great. I could barely resist it. I wanted to lick the cheese right off of his little fingers and before I could help myself, I blurted it out…”Ezra, you don’t know how bad mommy wants to lick your fingers right now!” Oh how he giggled. He’s 2 and these things amuse a 2 year old. So, do you know what he did? He held his little sin-filled hands up to me and said “Lick em, Mommy! Lick em!” How dare he? Does he know what pain I’m in? I was able to maintain composure and assured him that I was just kidding and somehow I managed to get him cleaned up and sent him on his way! This left me reeling! How could I be so addicted to a food as to only be 5 days without it and wanting to lick my child’s fingers just to get a taste? I’m reminded of the scripture in the bible... Mark 7:27 and 28 But Jesus said unto her, Let the children first be filled: for it is not meet to take the children's bread, and to cast it unto the dogs.
And she answered and said unto him, Yes, Lord: yet the dogs under the table eat of the children's crumbs.
I was reminded once again that if I’m going to make it through this journey, it’s going to be only because of Jesus and His strength in me! Let us pray……..

Baby I'm On My Way

On December 9, 2009 at 12:40 p.m. my wish for a better life was granted. The nurses wheeled into the operating room a woman who has tried all there was to try and still remained overweight. Morbidly obese is the medical term they used. Who me? Morbidly obese? No way! you might say. Yep. That's me. Or at least for now, but not for long. An hour and a half later, they wheeled me out, a woman with hope! I underwent the Lap-Band surgery - Not to be confused with Gastric Bypass surgery, there are many differences. In this procedure, the surgeon made four small 1/2 inch incisions and one larger 3 inch incision and laproscopically inserted an adjustable band around my stomach while keeping all of my organs in tact. This band, creates a smaller pouch for my food to flow into, remaining there and keeping me full until it slowly goes through into the larger stomach area. The band is adjustable with saline injections.

OK, so that's all the technical stuff you need to know. If you'd like to learn more, visit http://www.lapband.com/

My hope in creating this blog is to bring awareness and to share my journey with as many as will follow. I'll be sharing my ups and downs, my good days and bad. With just a little bit of humor, I hope to bring to light the plight of many Americans...food addiction in varying forms and of course, overeating. I'd love to get lots of feedback, particularly if something I share touches you in some way, or even makes you chuckle. I'm not sure how long this journey will take or if I'll ever be "finished" with this weight battle, but I'm opening up and making myself vulnerable. I hope to document this whole process so that someday I will be able to look back and just "remember". I'd love for my children someday to be able to read this too and maybe gain some insight into why their mommy is the way she is.

So, with much prayer and much thought.....BABY I'M ON MY WAY!!!!!